Issue 5 - October 1998

The Whiff is proud to announce a new column featuring the world's leading Para-Mentalist - Mr. Spurious Fella.

Hi everybody and welcome to the strange world of the para-mental. Each issue I will provide examples of the extraordinary life I lead so you may understand my ranking as the world's premiere para-mentalist.

Monday

A strange glowing object arose in the East spreading light across the land. A curious phenomenon that I am both privileged to witness yet unable to explain. For some reason the chickens seem to be a bit noisy???

Tuesday

Today I discover a unique display of the para-mental. A number of letters have mysteriously arrived in my front hall. Spookily, they all have my name and address on them. How could this have happened?!?! Stranger still is the fact that some are simply addressed to "That charlatan, Spurious Fella" or "That spoon-bending twat" but have still arrived!

Wednesday

At lunch today I experience one of the more annoying side effects that my power brings with it. Eating my lunch becomes a major pain as every time I pick up some cutlery the bloody thing starts bending into useless shapes!!! Sometimes I just don't know my own strength. Go to bed hungry.

Thursday

Write a column for the local rag. Piece of p*ss this journalism. All I have to do is rip-off a number of articles from various mentalist publications and stick my name at the top of the column.

Friday

A trip to the local chemical plant to pick up my weekly supply of snake-oil takes up most of the day.

Saturday

A trip to the local football team to offer my services does not go as planned. After being laughed out of the ground by the manager I encounter a group of football supporters. One particularly aggressive type - Mr. J Kirkpatrick - proceeded to question my powers. Unfortunately my mentalism was focused on other matters so I simply ran away, the echo of his taunts reverberating in my ears. I'm still not sure if he was calling me a fakir or simply something rude.

Sunday

After the sad events yesterday I opt to stay in bed satisfying myself with my special powers. (I don't think we need to go into detail! - ed)