13 Feb 1999 Burnley
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Howie,
Glasgow, Clement, Primus, Casper, Gurney (Murty), Parkinson, Caskey, Brebner,
Thorpe,
Brayson (McIntyre).
Primus
GOAL 1: Caskey
GOAL 2: 90 minute equaliser
Final Whistle: Match Summary
All samples are Real Audio format - you'll need Real Player.
Report from Phil Newton:
Turf Moor. Massive place, only 9 thousand in. The away
end had huge uncomfortable wooden seats and if the football was boring it
was easy to while away time playing dodge the shitting pigeon.
Thankfully it was a good game. For 89 minutes. Murty finally made it onto
the bench, otherwise it was as you were: Howie in goals. Casper, Primus
and Clement at the back, Glasgow and Gurney out wide, Parky, Caskey and
Brebner up front, Thorpe and Brayson (who thankfully didn't get booed) up
front.
And we started well. Parky hit the bar with a header, a caskey free kick
went, gasp, suprisingly close. Burnley seemed intent only on collecting
yellow cards, mostly at the expense of Parky, who was limping off and on
every 5 seconds.
Not wanting to make it easy for ourselves of course, we let them in for a
free header, all thanks to Clement who didn't step up for offside.
thankfully it went straight into the arms of Howie, whilst Casper calmly
and politely explained the basics of defending to Clement.
In the interests of fair play Burnley doled out their fair share of comedy
defending, a slip by the last man sent Thorp through, but despite having
about half an hour and 6 square miles to do it in he couldn't control the
ball and sent an utterly hopeless shot miles wide. He was given a second
chance few minutes later but this time their centre half simply upended
him. Thanks to the new, fully understood FIFA rules, the fact that the
last defender had upended a forward who was clean through on goal with a
obvious foul from behind lead to a............Yellow card. Whilst we booed
and howled for a red it was pointed out that although the reading striker
was clean through on goal, the evidence of 5 minutes previous indicated
that this was still not a "goalscoring opportunity" due to a complete lack
of footballing ability.
Nevertheless we were easily the better team of the first half. Brayson
caused problems by running straight at the Burnley defence, tho' the half
chances he created for himself ended without a decent shot, we had a few
corners, a few more shots, they had only a couple of post-corner
goalmouth scrambles, and I made it to the end of the first half without
being shat on.
2nd half, and Andy "scores all Burnleys goals" Payton came on. Things
looked decidedly different, they were all over us, like a proper home
team, and we were playing on the break, like a proper away team. This was
fine, 'cos despuite all their huff and puff they didn't create a great
deal, and the one thing we did have going forward, with Brayson, Byron,
Thorp and Brebner, was pace. Thorp was gradually making more of a nusiance
of himself, and after a couple of half chances, the goal was all down to
him. We raced forward after a Burnley attack. Thorp controlled it on the
edge of their area, held it up, dummied a few times as players joined the
move, eventually sliding it through to Caskey in the corner of their box.
he turned, did his own little bit of jinxing, sat down, had a fag, gave us
all a wave , went and asked Tommy what to do, and after about 6 years toe
poked a pathetic little left foot shot towards the goal. Fortunately for
us Paul Crichton the Burnley keeper had long since got bored, and didn't
notice the ball trundle over the line. Hooray! Caskey and Thorp got all
excited and we jumped up and down, thankful of a decent reason to get off
the arse-numbing wooden seats whilst all the while telling ourselves that
it was "brilliant finishing".
So, wow, ahead again we all sat down and waited for the equaliser. Thorp
and Brayson had more shots, one of which was parried into the path of
Gurney, who was shoved out the way by Thorp, who booted it straight at
the keeper. That was perhaps our best chance of a second. Whether or not
we could have scored again we will never know, as there then followed the
most ridculous attempt to hold on to a 1-0 lead you have ever seen. The
goal was scored after 54 minutes. Every corner and set piece after that
saw Primus, Casper and Clement, all waiting expectantly, on the half way
line. For fucks sake, with only Midget Brayson and his twin brother Tiny
Thorp in the box marked by The Harlem Globetrotters we were never going to
score. Not that the ball was ever played into the box, time and again
Caskey sailed dangerously close to a second yellow for time wasting before
playing it short to Byron, back to Caskey, back to Byron, yawn yawn yawn.
It is worth pointing out that caskeys 1st yellow was for calling the ref a
c**t, or something off the ball, so he really was acting like a first
class prick. Whenever Burnley got the ball they literally rampaged
forward, Howie made some stunning saves, with Primus rising for everything
and Casper clearing up after Clement. We played well enough on the break,
but the only put sustained pressure on the corner flags.
Murty came on to a standing ovation for the ineffective Gurney, but
instead of swopping Byron to the right they both stayed on the left, with
Brebner going wide right. hmmmm, that makes sense.
Murty had a mazy run or 2, but nothing of any consequence. Anyway it was
a formality that they would score, but the wankers had to give us just
that scent of victory didn't they? after corner number 10'000 it somehow
bundled its way over the line, and that was that.
How did they fare?
Howie: made some great shot-stopping saves but still flapped hopelessly at
every corner/cross.
Casper: great, spent half the time clearing up after Clement.
Primus: immense again. Man of the Match.
Clement: not a central defender, looked good coming forward but out of his
depth at the back.
Gurney: did f**k all, looks like a squaddie.
Glasgow: getting better and better, looks comfortable on the ball, wins
comedy points every time he tries to head it.
Parky: Parky
Caskey: well he scored the goal, but got booked for no reason 5 minutes
later, shouted a lot, which is always entertaining.
Brebner: Donkey of The Day, did even less than Gurney apart from attempt
to chip the keeper when there were many better options available. What has
happened to him?
Thorpe: very useful, liked him a lot.
Brayson: I still think he's ace, but yes, he really could do with scoring
a goal or 2.
Murty: please let him be our saviour. At least he's got comedy sideburns.
We could, and should, have won.
Phil "Northern Boy" Newton (didn't get shat on).
League