Hob Nob Match Report

13 Feb 1999
Burnley 1 Reading 1


Howie, Glasgow, Clement, Primus, Casper, Gurney (Murty), Parkinson, Caskey, Brebner, Thorpe, Brayson (McIntyre).


Match Audio
GOAL 1: Caskey
GOAL 2: 90 minute equaliser  
  Final Whistle: Match Summary

All samples are Real Audio format - you'll need Real Player.

Report from Phil Newton:

Turf Moor. Massive place, only 9 thousand in. The away end had huge uncomfortable wooden seats and if the football was boring it was easy to while away time playing dodge the shitting pigeon. Thankfully it was a good game. For 89 minutes. Murty finally made it onto the bench, otherwise it was as you were: Howie in goals. Casper, Primus and Clement at the back, Glasgow and Gurney out wide, Parky, Caskey and Brebner up front, Thorpe and Brayson (who thankfully didn't get booed) up front.

And we started well. Parky hit the bar with a header, a caskey free kick went, gasp, suprisingly close. Burnley seemed intent only on collecting yellow cards, mostly at the expense of Parky, who was limping off and on every 5 seconds. Not wanting to make it easy for ourselves of course, we let them in for a free header, all thanks to Clement who didn't step up for offside. thankfully it went straight into the arms of Howie, whilst Casper calmly and politely explained the basics of defending to Clement.

In the interests of fair play Burnley doled out their fair share of comedy defending, a slip by the last man sent Thorp through, but despite having about half an hour and 6 square miles to do it in he couldn't control the ball and sent an utterly hopeless shot miles wide. He was given a second chance few minutes later but this time their centre half simply upended him. Thanks to the new, fully understood FIFA rules, the fact that the last defender had upended a forward who was clean through on goal with a obvious foul from behind lead to a............Yellow card. Whilst we booed and howled for a red it was pointed out that although the reading striker was clean through on goal, the evidence of 5 minutes previous indicated that this was still not a "goalscoring opportunity" due to a complete lack of footballing ability.

Nevertheless we were easily the better team of the first half. Brayson caused problems by running straight at the Burnley defence, tho' the half chances he created for himself ended without a decent shot, we had a few corners, a few more shots, they had only a couple of post-corner goalmouth scrambles, and I made it to the end of the first half without being shat on.

2nd half, and Andy "scores all Burnleys goals" Payton came on. Things looked decidedly different, they were all over us, like a proper home team, and we were playing on the break, like a proper away team. This was fine, 'cos despuite all their huff and puff they didn't create a great deal, and the one thing we did have going forward, with Brayson, Byron, Thorp and Brebner, was pace. Thorp was gradually making more of a nusiance of himself, and after a couple of half chances, the goal was all down to him. We raced forward after a Burnley attack. Thorp controlled it on the edge of their area, held it up, dummied a few times as players joined the move, eventually sliding it through to Caskey in the corner of their box. he turned, did his own little bit of jinxing, sat down, had a fag, gave us all a wave , went and asked Tommy what to do, and after about 6 years toe poked a pathetic little left foot shot towards the goal. Fortunately for us Paul Crichton the Burnley keeper had long since got bored, and didn't notice the ball trundle over the line. Hooray! Caskey and Thorp got all excited and we jumped up and down, thankful of a decent reason to get off the arse-numbing wooden seats whilst all the while telling ourselves that it was "brilliant finishing".

So, wow, ahead again we all sat down and waited for the equaliser. Thorp and Brayson had more shots, one of which was parried into the path of Gurney, who was shoved out the way by Thorp, who booted it straight at the keeper. That was perhaps our best chance of a second. Whether or not we could have scored again we will never know, as there then followed the most ridculous attempt to hold on to a 1-0 lead you have ever seen. The goal was scored after 54 minutes. Every corner and set piece after that saw Primus, Casper and Clement, all waiting expectantly, on the half way line. For fucks sake, with only Midget Brayson and his twin brother Tiny Thorp in the box marked by The Harlem Globetrotters we were never going to score. Not that the ball was ever played into the box, time and again Caskey sailed dangerously close to a second yellow for time wasting before playing it short to Byron, back to Caskey, back to Byron, yawn yawn yawn. It is worth pointing out that caskeys 1st yellow was for calling the ref a c**t, or something off the ball, so he really was acting like a first class prick. Whenever Burnley got the ball they literally rampaged forward, Howie made some stunning saves, with Primus rising for everything and Casper clearing up after Clement. We played well enough on the break, but the only put sustained pressure on the corner flags.

Murty came on to a standing ovation for the ineffective Gurney, but instead of swopping Byron to the right they both stayed on the left, with Brebner going wide right. hmmmm, that makes sense. Murty had a mazy run or 2, but nothing of any consequence. Anyway it was a formality that they would score, but the wankers had to give us just that scent of victory didn't they? after corner number 10'000 it somehow bundled its way over the line, and that was that.

How did they fare?
Howie: made some great shot-stopping saves but still flapped hopelessly at every corner/cross.
Casper: great, spent half the time clearing up after Clement.
Primus: immense again. Man of the Match.
Clement: not a central defender, looked good coming forward but out of his depth at the back.
Gurney: did f**k all, looks like a squaddie.
Glasgow: getting better and better, looks comfortable on the ball, wins comedy points every time he tries to head it.
Parky: Parky
Caskey: well he scored the goal, but got booked for no reason 5 minutes later, shouted a lot, which is always entertaining.
Brebner: Donkey of The Day, did even less than Gurney apart from attempt to chip the keeper when there were many better options available. What has happened to him?
Thorpe: very useful, liked him a lot. Brayson: I still think he's ace, but yes, he really could do with scoring a goal or 2.
Murty: please let him be our saviour. At least he's got comedy sideburns.

We could, and should, have won.

Phil "Northern Boy" Newton (didn't get shat on).

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